I'm going to tell you a story about words. So, I had a client who'd been sectioned in a mental
Hospital. for a while, she had a breakdown, she'd had a very difficult childhood. And then she
came to see me, and she just had to go as an outpatient to this group once a week, and she
was telling me, I said, "Well what do you do there?" She said, "Well, we just have to sit in a
circle and talk, "and we have to start by saying something nice, "so I usually say, "'Oh, I saw
daffodils on the way here today,' "or 'I petted a dog,' "or 'my cat sat on my lap before I left
"'and now I feel happy.'"
I'm like, "Well, that's kinda nice, "but I want you to do better than that, "I want you to, every time
you have to say something nice, "I want you to go, 'I have phenomenal coping skills,' "'cause it's
all about coping, "you've been in a mental hospital, that's okay, "and now you're coping, "so I
want you to forget about daffodils, "and butterflies, and puppies, and kittens, "lovely as they are,
and I want you to say, "'I have phenomenal coping skills' "every week in that group, "'cause if
you keep saying it, it becomes true."
'Cause of course, when someone is sectioned, they have no coping skills, they're like, "I can't
cope with traffic, and I can't cope," and she said that when she was little her mother's words
were, "I can't cope." Her mother couldn't cope with her opening a packet of potato chips, the
rustling would drive her crazy, the mother couldn't cope with sound, or light, or noise, and she
brought up this poor little girl to believe that, "Oh, I can't cope. "Oh, that noise is going to drive
me crazy. "That light's going to give me a headache. "That smell's going to give me a migraine,"
and the mother had no coping skills, and of course, this poor little girl grew up believing that life
was not something to be coped with at all, and her mother never went to a store or a
supermarket, because she couldn't cope, she never went shopping in a department store
because she couldn't cope. She very rarely went out, 'cause she couldn't cope with traffic,
she couldn't cope with the heat, and she couldn't cope with the cold. No wonder this poor girl's been in
a mental home. I'm going to change that for her.
So I made her say it all the time, "I have phenomenal coping skills." And sometimes she'd say,
"I have extraordinary coping skills," or, "I have outstanding coping skills," "I have exceptional
coping skills." After a few weeks, one of the nurses said, "D'you know, would you mind "if some
of the other patients said that too? "'Cause they really like it when you say that, "it changes the
energy in the room." She went, "Well, I don't own it, of course, I don't mind." So other patients
began to say, "I have incredible coping skills," and then the hospital decided that they would
write it on the walls, so they made posters and they stuck it around the walls in this on particular
ward, and then they noticed that they had the fastest turnaround rate
with their clients.
That these people who felt they couldn't cope, and couldn't cope with anything, just saying that,
you see, what were they saying? Let's break it down again, they were telling the mind
something specific, "I have phenomenal coping skills, "bring it on, I can cope." That's what they
we're saying to the mind, that was the dialogue and the collaboration with the mind, "I have
incredible coping skills, "whatever you throw at me, it's good, and I will cope, "because I have
phenomenal coping skills." What were the pictures in the words in their head? Well a picture of
somebody coping with anything incredibly well, phenomenally well that was the
picture, that was the words, and what was familiar?
"I can cope. "Bad traffic, difficult person, "irritable parent, or kid, or bad day, it's okay, "'cause I
have extraordinary coping skills." And what became unfamiliar? "Unable to cope." That just all
stopped. And so, that hospital, to this day, still uses that, they still get people to say that, they
still use those posters, and the girl who was in a mental hospital is now, weirdly enough, or not,
she's a mental health nurse, and she helps people cope because that's an example, so I want
you to think of a word you could use. "I've got a wonderful personality, "I've got a fantastic
memory, "Everything comes to me.
"I'm great at time management, "I get things done." It doesn't matter what it is, but I want
you to think of some words you can say. "I look after my body extraordinarily well." You see I
don't use wishy-washy words, "I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm not bad, I'm quite good." I like,
"Phenomenal, extraordinary, outstanding, "incredible, powerful."I have a phenomenal memory,
"I have incredible coping skills, "I'm an outstanding parent, "I'm an amazing, phenomenal,
extraordinary friend, "and my friends are amazing and phenomenal, "and extraordinary," 'cause
I know that those words excite my mind, and they're so descriptive that the mind knows what I'm
saying. If I say, "Oh my God, what a nightmare last weekend was, "it was hell, it was a disaster,"
I'm probably talking about some party I went to that was boring, but I've elevated it so much by
using those words. And then if I say, "But you know, the next day I went to lunch "and that was
quite nice," I've made something good minimal and made something bad, I've elevated it,
so here's a handy hint for you. When something isn't great, like a challenge, or you go to a film
and it's not good, just go, "Yeah, it was a little disappointing, "wasn't quite what I expected,"
go, "Oh my God, it was awful, "I was bored out of my mind, "I wasted three hours, "it was hell sitting
through that play.
"I felt I was going to die of boredom," just go, "Yeah, it wasn't a good use of my time, "but it's
only three hours, it was fine." So you got to learn to minimize the negative and accentuate the
positive, so when something is good you can go, "Oh, it was amazing, it was incredible,
"I was phenomenal." You can even use swear words. I'm going to say frisking, "That was
frisking amazing, "That was frisking fun, "That was freaking awesome," 'cause even the words
you put in front of words, so people go, "Oh, I've got this headache, "it's killing me, I'm dying of
pain, "oh I've got this excruciating stomach ache, I'm in agony," none of that is true. "I have a
headache, it's a little annoying, but it'll go. "I've got this niggle pain, but I can deal with it,
"because I've got stuff to do." You see how we get to choose, again and again, we have a
choice, you can go, "I'm in agony, my head is killing me," which is not true, or you can go, "I got
a headache, it's slightly annoying, "but I'm going to take some pain meds, "and in 20 minutes I'll
be fine, "or maybe I need to drink some water, "I'm just going to take some time, "'cause I do
have a headache," but don't call it an agonizing, crippling, killing headache, don't say, "Oh my
stomach, I'm dying of pain, "I'm dying with the flu, "this cold is killing me."Don't do that, minimize
that stuff, "it's slight, it's mild, it's niggling, "it's mildly discomforting," and then, when something
is good, then you use words, "This is incredible, this is amazing, "this is phenomenal, this is
outstanding," then you use the good words and you can use swear words, you can put words in,
"This is completely amazing, this is utterly at, "and this is awesome," you get the picture,
don't you? Good words, in front of a good thing, make it better, and minimal words in front of a
bad thing minimize it, but don't say, "Oh my God, this headache, it's the headache from hell,
"This is the client from hell, "this is a nightmare," don't do that, you have a choice, remember you
have a brilliant brain, here's your choice, rationalize why it's all going wrong, talk yourself out of
it, that's all you have to do.
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